Mixed Marriage? Try brokerage!

By: Sita van Bemmelen

There are a thousand ways of falling into the abyss, dividing people of different cultures. But you can also view being of different countries and cultures as an opportunity and try capitalizing on it. Over the years in Bali, my husband has become a trusted partner of several Dutch businessmen or people who wanted to build a villa in Bali. Oka has five assets that make him ideally situated for this role: his accounting skills, his mastery of the Dutch and English language, his Indonesian way of dealing with people who work for him, his access to the Indonesian bureaucracy (partly due to his family background) and, last but not least, his honesty.

One often finds, that foreigners like to work with locally based foreigners because they are inclined to trust a fellow-country man or woman more than a local. However, foreigners rarely possess all five assets mentioned. Of course, at first foreigners do not always realize the benefit of working with a local person like Oka. It takes time and word of mouth to build a good name. I do not know whether the fact that Oka has a Dutch wife, has helped him gaining trust. But I am sure, that it has not played a significant role, because I have never been part of his projects with foreigners, let alone interfere with it. I only very occasionally have assisted the latter with the translation of Indonesian documents in Dutch or Indonesian and Oka by rewording his point of view in a ‘diplomatic’ way in case of misunderstanding or conflict.

I have also built my own network in the field of my interests. Here, another type of trust is important: integrity. Others have to have the feeling that a foreigner not only possesses expertise but is genuinely concerned when contributing to discussions about Indonesia’s future and does not display an attitude of ‘knowing best’. Perhaps I have succeeded better on the first than the last point. Over the years, as mentioned, I have also done some consultancies for foreign agencies (mark you, as a ‘national’ consultant). My inside knowledge of the Indonesian context has helped me to get the job. But far more often I am just ‘consulted’ by individual researchers who want to know more about gender issues in general or in Bali.

Occasionally a mixed couple having problems or just seeking information, found their way to my home as well. Oka has never interfered with my activities. When I worked in Jakarta, however, he designed a computer program for the financial reports I had to submit to the Dutch government, earning him an official letter of appreciation. And until today, he advises me how to cope whenever I have a problem with my Indonesian colleagues and activist friends.

Perhaps other couples may learn from these experiences. Try to find out, whether there is a niche for each partner to become a broker in his or her field and plan how to develop the skills needed for this. One should also be on one’s guard for imbalances. If, for example, the foreign wife is able to become successful as a business woman in Indonesia (quite a few have done very well!) while the Indonesian husband ‘stays behind’, this may lead to marital discord in the long run. The husband may start feeling inadequate, which hurts his manly pride. The wife may feel that he exploits her earning power, in particular if he turns out to be a big spender. Or she dreads that the money is siphoned off by his relatives in an excessive manner.

A foreign wife, who is not very successful in building her own network and is unable to generate money, on the other hand, might also experience problems. If the couple starts a family and she devotes her time to the children, she may feel fulfilled for the first couple of years, but over time might become unhappy, feeling isolated and inadequate. In the worst case, she can become the target of disdain of her husband or his family. It is very important to try preventing such situations of arising and if it happens, the more successful spouse should try to help his or her partner as best as possible.